Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
