hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Send help, water and tortillas.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Randomize