I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
