Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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