my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
