So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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