Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
