so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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