some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
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