it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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