I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
