I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I need to stop coming to work sober
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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