Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
