I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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