just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
