He uses pillows to masturbate.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
