do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
