sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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