Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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