Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
