i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Need sex. Gaining weight.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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