He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
