Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
