i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize