I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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