I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
he fucked my hip out of place.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
