In the future we'll all be gay
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
