I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
