There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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