just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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