the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize