Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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