I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
