It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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