Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
