no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
