I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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