this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
