the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
