I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
