my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
