I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
