Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
