I wish my penis had an off switch
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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