there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
