I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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