The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
