Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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