Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
