I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
