Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
