Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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