I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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