omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
