Who wears a wallet chain?!
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
