if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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