Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize