How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I think i got beer on your cat.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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