Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
