At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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