The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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