Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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