I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
as a side note pls kill me
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
