Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
