She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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