Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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