I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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