CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
