Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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