actually, I'm a sock model
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
