Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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