I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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