im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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