this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Actions speak louder than pants.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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