Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
